Let me get this out of the way: I hate this movie.

A few months back, a friend of mine explicitly told me to “fuck off” because my hate for this movie was that awesome. Granted, said “friend” was making me watch “Ghost Rider” at the time, so I was already legitimately pissed to no end, but still- I hate this movie.

To be honest, Kenzan thinks I hate this movie because they fucked up the “Dark Phoenix” storyline, and were I a lesser being, I’d admit that he’s correct. Who gives a fuck about aliens and fighting on the “blue side of the moon” when you can just toss in a “Shi’ar Corporation” or some such and have them studying psionic phenomenon and yoinking Jean Grey’s body out of the lake after the end of the second film? Who gives a fuck about storyline progression besides Bob Kelso?

But…

The issue of the “Phoenix” plotline is a moot point (Hey Brick- this is your split personality [my name is “Mortar”, btw] telling you that the “split personality” bullshit excuse/reason/thing Picard yammered on about in the movie concerning Jean Grey was the most horrendous piece of “Let Us Explain It To The Audience” you’ve seen since Trinity dying in “The Matrix Revolutions”. Give them hell!) because they were never going to get it right. True Believers, take a seat, because what I’m going to say next will knock you on your ass.

They’ll never get “it” right.

What you’re looking for in these cinematic adaptations of our beloved comic book characters will never happen. They will not be perfect. Parts of them will hurt and sting and possibly wound. You’re not going to like it, and you’ll possibly gnash your teeth and froth at the mouth or “gnarl” or possibly defecate in anger.

But…

Sometimes, our adaptations just suck ass… especially when they’re the end of a main franchise.

“X-Men: The Last Stand”, I’m talking to you.

First off, thanks for throwing the leader of the X-Men under the bus. As Amy Poelher would say, “Really?!” I mean, I understand that pretty much no one outside of Chris Claremont, Grant Morrison, or Joss Whedon can actually write a good Cyclops, but CTFO (read: “come the fuck on”, let’s start a movement!)- at least try. Make the audience care besides showing the fact that Cyclops hasn’t shaved in a bit and is grumpy. Then again, the trend of Ignoring Cyclops In The Movies was in full effect in this film (“Haha, look at his glasses float!)", so… Who Gives A Fuck.

Second- Storm. Specifically, Halle Berry as Storm. To be even more precise, HALLE BERRY AS STORM IS A FUCKING VACCUUM OF BADNESS. I don’t care that she won an Oscar for getting nekkid and getting felt up by Billy Bob Thornton, don’t turn her into the third lead where she gets to pull a Patton and rally the main troop(s) into battle- I imagine that the scene where Storm confronts Wolverine should have gone like this.

INT. DANGER ROOM HALLWAY

Logan lingers behind the newly recruited X-Men students as they file out in preparation for the final battle with Magneto and his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. He’s not looking forward to what’s going to happen- it says so on his face.

Storm approaches.

STORM

Logan.

WOLVERINE

Huh?

STORM

I am telling you this because I am important now.

WOLVERINE

Huh?

STORM

Are you prepared…

Storm pauses because she is “Halle Berry: Storm”, and she is important.

STORM

(with a Tyler Perry inspired inflection)

To do… what you have to do.

WOLVERINE

…huh?

STORM

I am just saying that-

WOLVERINE

BITCH, DON’T YOU KNOW THAT I AM THE GREATEST MASS MURDERER BESIDES ANGEL THE VAMPIRE DEMON SLAYER?! I’M CANADIAN! GRR!

STORM

Good talking to you, Logan.

WOLVERINE

ARE YOU STILL SPEAKING?!

Storm leaves… arrogantly, because she is “Halle Berry = Storm”.

CUT TO: BULLSHIT

Third: It just feels rushed- there are two main storylines shoehorned into one movie- the subject of a cure, and the situation with Jean Grey. Either one could be a full movie on its own- but with the former being the A plot, Famke Janssen gets to make her best Dump Face every 22 minutes on screen and dressing up like a regal Scarlet Witch when she’s at Magneto’s side.

Yeah, I just opened a “surrogate daughter” door. Debate on that, suckers.

Anyway… to be honest, this is a mainstream movie for all the wrong reasons… which makes me hate it.

Number one, it’s a sequel to a popular franchise that treats its viewers like dogshit (HELLO LEADER DYING STUPIDLY HELLO!).

Number two, everyone’s going through the motions.

And… number three?

IT PLANTS THE SEEDS FOR A FOURTH MOVIE.

Why toss on the “Last Stand” subtitle if you give the viewers hope for a new movie at the end? Shit, is Fox really willing to toss Halle Berry Oscar Money again? Did Cyclops really die?! What’s up with Xavier?! As my former coworkers once said, “HEY IF HE LOSS HIS POWERS HOW HE MOVE THAT METAL PIECE?!” Could the franchise even survive a fourth movie? What the hell?! What the WHAT?!

…wrong column!

But, next time… Comic Book Events And How I Hate Them But Not Really.

DC and Marvel, as Soulja Boy would say…

“YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”.

What are people saying about "Brick Prior Versus X-Men: The Last Stand"?

Othgar the Flamboyant Re: Brick Prior Versus X-Men: The Last Stand I didn't really pick up on the Scarlet Witch thing until you said something.

SaikyoCrusher Re: Brick Prior Versus X-Men: The Last Stand I do agree that Halle Barry ruined the movie as Storm. Not to mention the reason my boy Nightcrawler wasn't in the third movie was her dumb, diva-ass fault. On a side note, I think the part of Multiple-man should have been played by Bruce Campbell.

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