Posted on March 29th, 2008 in Axel Night, Food by Axel Night

Greetings, Gorilla Attack Victims.  In today’s segment of culinary catastrophe, we’re introduced to the classic recipe, French Toast, and how to rebelliously defy its society-imposed bounds. 

What is French Toast

French Toast is a confusing dish, initially, because it is neither French, nor especially toasty.  There are rumors that the name was, in fact, German Toast, until World War I, when anti-German feelings across Europe forced the name change.  This is poppy-cock, but a fun story to tell your kids after you go senile.  Dating back as far as the B.C./A.D. turn-over, while Europe was still waiting idly for Christianity to make things interesting, they were making French Toast as a means of using up old stale bread.  Some speculate that the term "French Toast" actually refers to "French Bread", which is known for going stale especially fast.

Normally, talk of French Toast gets us thinking of the bastard child of the Pancake.  Cinnamon, butter, and maple syrup all mixed about a soft, warm square.  Wars wage over which is better, and many have fallen in bloody breakfast combat.  In truth, the recipe for French Toast is far simpler than this.

The Recipe

Ingredients:
Egg
Bread
Other shit

Instructions:
Combine.  Fry.  Eat.

French Toast Recipe

It’s true.  By soaking a slice of bread in a scrambled up egg then frying it in a pan, the resulting morsel is tender and tasty.  Flavoring the egg with cinnamon and other seasonings adds to the taste, but isn’t actually required.  Across the pond in Merry Old England, it’s also known as Eggy Toast, and while sounding like it was named by an eight year old, it’s probably much more accurate.  Any other ingredient you see in any other recipe is extra fluff.

Get Your Balls Out of Your Purse – Experimental Eggy Toast

If you order French Toast just about anywhere, you’ll get the sweet and sassy underdog-contender for most generic breakfast item ever.  Attempts to serve it during lunch or dinner will be scoffed at by more civilized individuals.  Screw them.  We’re going to take a clue from our UK cousins and make a play on a pub favorite with something savory.

As stated, we need eggs and bread.  For normal slices of bread and normal sized eggs, one egg per slice tends to ration well.  Softer bread needs less egg to soften up, and sometimes you can stretch a few eggs over more bread if you’re stingy.  Find a low, flat dish.  I used a small sauce pan, but those square sandwich-holder plastic containers work great.  Crack in the eggs and scramble them up.

Now, we season the eggs.  Whatever floats your boat here is fine.  Salt is generally a good, at least a little, as it brings out the other flavors.  I also used some cayenne pepper and garlic powder, because they make everything taste better.  Traditionally, just salt and pepper is supposedly good.  It’s pretty common to cut the mixture with some liquid, usually milk.  Milk has fats and a texture that works wonders, but isn’t really necessary.  I did use a splash, along with some beef broth that needed using anyways.  Depending on what flavor you want, just about anything will due.  I’ve even heard straight orange juice and egg makes for something divine.  Try anything.  Don’t be a pansy.

Take a slice of bread and place it into the mixture.  Let it soak up the egg for a minute or two (depending on bready softness), then flip and just get it all sloppy.  In a frying pan, add some oil or butter.  Butter seems to be preferred, though depending on your goal, some oils might be better.  Oriental Toast, anyone?  Heat it up to a good, mediumish frying temperature, and add the soaked slice.  If you don’t have enough butter or oil, the toast will probably burn, but too much and it’ll soak it up and be extra greasy.

At my preferred frying heat, I found about 3 minutes of frying should do it for the first slice.  Aim for whatever golden texture looks good to you, then flip.  If your idea calls for cheese, now is a great time to throw it on.  While the other side is cooking, the cheese will melt on top.  I picked up some good pepper-jack, just for this purpose.  Toast slices after the first will probably cook much faster, so peek under them every so often to avoid burning.

Lastly comes the topping.  You could just eat your creation now, but it’s a slice of bread.  It was meant to go out with friends.  Sure, you could use butter and maple syrup, or you could quit being a conformist loser.  Break away from your mother’s breast and get inventive.  For sweet, you could use fruit, apple sauce, or chocolate.  More savory dishes could call for ketchup, meat, or vegetables.  You could fry up two slices and make a full-fledged Eggy Sandwich.  Eggy BLT?  Maybe do up some tomato soup and do a twist on the classic grilled cheese.  I took a page from English pub fair, and went with my own variation on Beans on Toast.

As such, it looks like a plate full of beans, with something vaguely visible suffocating underneath.  Mmm yup, the mark of true pub food.  It tasted way better than it looks, and I consider the matter a success.

Your assignment, Victims, is to invent and test your own new French Toast recipe.  Whatever sounds good, bad, or ugly; stir it, fry it, top it, and share it in the forums.  I’ve got a few more ideas of my own as well.

 

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