Posted on February 17th, 2008 in Axel Night, Miscellaneous by Axel Night

Onward with the history of man, this lesson comes from a past article I wrote once upon a late night.  If I had morals, I’d feel bad giving you recycled content.  What?  Don’t look at me like that.  You’ve never read it.  I’m doing you a favor.

Once upon a time, man discovered that a clean behind was more pleasant than a fecal-crusted one.  I imagine woman actually discovered it first, but that is neither here nor there.  The human race decided as a community that clean asses were all the rage.

Around this time, humans and most animals were dependant on streams, rivers, and other bodies of fresh water.  Some managed better than others, but on the whole, we really liked having a way to not die of thirst.  Many wise men got together and figured out that if one squatted in the river, the water cleansed away the unwanted matter.  And, rarely did a twig or fish enter the crevace, a valid concern among many.  A few failed understandings on the difference between up-river and down-river and a couple disease outbreaks later, the practice became standardized.

Over time, man’s unexplained desire to go where he probably should not forced a migration inland, and with it, the removal of their anal aroma amendment.  In order to adapt to this new environment, people started digging holes within which to relieve themselves.  Afterward, they would wipe away the excess filth with whatever was handy, such as poison ivy leaves or a dead squirrel.  It was no water wash, and wore the skin kind of rough, but it was better than nothing, and worlds better than the rolls of course granite and glass shards currently found in the stalls of modern schools.

This practice continued onward into the industrial age, with people digging holes in their backyards with small shacks around them and wiping themselves with pages from the Sears and Roebuck catalog.  Then, the unthinkable happened.  We learned to move water.  I’m not talking about the Roman Aqueducts.  I mean, really move it.  With a series of mass-produced pipes and hoses, we have granted ourselves the ability to move water anywhere we want it, at any speed we want it.

Why am I still cleaning myself with a processed tree?  The wipe was a substitute.  We have the river again.  We bring it so close.  We put water under us, to emulate a hole in the ground.  Then we send it away, so it is obviously capable of moving.  Why has the circle not completed itself?

Well, as often is the case when I get on these rants, I was eventually corrected.  It seems the French have been spraying water up their asses for over 200 years now with the invention of the bidet, a sink-like basin that sprays up at the user’s genitals and anus.  The Japanese have gone even further and created the washlet, a combination bidet/toilet, which is in over half of all Japanese homes already.  Why do I not have one of these?


What are people saying about "The Broken Circle of Defication"?

Sasha Kenzan
Re: The Broken Circle of Defication

The bidet always struck me as an uncomfortable idea, mostly because I always hear that the water is cold.  But that's just what I've heard.

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