Some people write reviews of current movies, but I am not one of them as of yet. Since I constantly try to learn from history, I like to dwell on what came before and learn from my cinematic watching mistakes. What you are about to read is the first in a multi-part series of me confronting my movie-watching past and hating myself for it. What I will discuss is for you and you alone. Don’t be like me. Don’t watch things you’ll regret in the future.

Enjoy!

“Some motherfuckers always try to ice skate uphill.”

–Blade

It’s funny how our favorite movie series (read: not trilogies) can go from good to awesome to horseshit in the course of five years. Before I begin, I’d just like to inform everyone of the dreaded “trilogy” tag: if you have yourself a moderately successful first movie that ended soundly, and then decide to follow up on said successful movie with two connecting installments that either tarnish or completely convolute the first movie’s intentions and efforts, then you’ve just had a hand in creating a cinematic series. For reference, take a look at the “Matrix” series, Pirates of the Caribbean (yes, it’s true… one of those movies DIDN’T HAVE A FINISHED SCRIPT), or today’s subject, the “Blade” series. Examples of actual trilogies would be the Original “Star Wars” or “Lord of the Rings” to name a couple, so you can draw your own parallels in that regard on the forums on in your heads and get back to me, because I’ve got a third installment of a series about the second greatest vampire slayer ever to rip to shreds.

“Jessica Biel in a Blade movie? Sign me up!”

–Me, in one of my extreme moments of stupidity.

Yeah, I’m dumb. I also like movies where Wesley Snipes beats the shit out of people, so I was very happy that there was a new Blade movie coming out in ’04, because Blade II (note: when you eschew the ‘2’ in favor of Roman numerals, that movie is BAD ASS) ended up being the perfect marriage of director (Guillermo del Toro) and concept (Wesley Snipes kicking the shit out of vampires in a stoic, leather trenchcoat-clad fashion).

Like I said, I am dumb.

The movie had everything going for it- Blade II was better than anyone imagined, so a third installment should have been the bee’s knees. Or possibly the hippo’s toe. Or even the jaguar’s jaw. But it wasn’t. Not by a long shot- however, to be fair, Blade: Trinity is a bit of an anomaly- it attempts to end a franchise while greedily starting a new one and ends up failing miserably. Blade’s task this time out is to go up against a “deadlier… to the MAX” interpretation of Dracula, but considering that Blade fought an incarnation of a vampire god at the end of the first film, I’m thinking he’s going to do just fine on that end.

So what do you do with the character during the third time out?

Well, the Powers That Be could either A) go the cheap route and kill him off, or B) have him ambiguously drive his Muscle Car That I Want To Own off into the night. Neither would help the cause; when Cinematically Ending It All, either the Hero wins (Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones), or they don’t (Neo… and yes, that was a ‘fuck you’ ending complete with the Longest Death Speech Ever. I don’t give a shit about rainbows or hope.) Sure, there are bodies at the hero’s back or under their feet, but in the end, when wanting to absolutely deliver the payoff to an audience, heroes have to stand tall. They can’t be chumps… and unfortunately, Blade: Trinity somehow manages to do all three. Yes, you have a blatant ending with Blade killing lots of folks, and yes, Blade gets his ass handed to him and is in “Hey, I might just die” mode, and yes, he does ambiguously drive off into the night which would have set up Blade IV (see what I did there?) perfectly- but Wesley Snipes decided to sue New Line over the third film, and then there was that whole tax thing, and… pfft to that for now, I guess.

To be honest, it’s hard to say where Blade: Trinity went wrong; actually, it isn’t, but in the interest of fairness, I’m trying to look at both sides of this particularly tarnished coin and not to give it too much of a beating, but what it comes down to is that this should have been the Blade movie… outside of II.

Yes, I am going to dedicate a whole article to Blade II eventually because it is that BAD ASS.

“Motherfucker, are you out of your damn mind?!”

-Blade

Let’s start off with what should have gone right, namely, the returns of David Goyer, Wesley Snipes, and Kris Kristofferson- all three together make up an excitable portion of this franchise, so when Whistler gets to know an explosion a little bit better within the first thirty minutes of B:T, it’s no coincidence that the film starts to slide off the rails a bit. Well, that and the appearance of the vampire skater punks. And Triple H playing “Triple H: Vampire”. And… hell, for the rest of this thing, just call me the Bipolar Movie Assassin.

“Goddamn, her shoulders are bigger than mine!”

-Me, referring to a bulked up Jessica Biel.

New characters in existing properties are always hard to pull off- see Paolo & Nikki in Lost, Riley Finn in Buffy, or Det. Falacci on Law and Order: Criminal Intent for examples- if you shove them in the audiences’ faces too much, have them speak too often, or have them take away screen time from more popular characters, then you are well and truly boned. This is one of the major drawbacks of Blade: Trinity (that and “Drake”, but more on him later)- we don’t fucking care about the new characters. Yeah, Abigail Whistler is following in Daddy Whistler’s footsteps by Killing Suckheads, and Hannibal King was cured of vampirism and gained the superpower of Snark as a result (the “HELLO, MY NAME IS FUCK YOU” nametag is something that I still plan to use in the near future because I Am Dumb) and on their own, they’d probably be pretty fun to watch on an adventure.

With Blade, they get in the way.

And it is a disaster.

“I can’t see in the dark, you fuckin’ nipplehead- what the fuck am I supposed to do?”

-Whistler

The biggest letdown/embarrassment/quietly simmering fanboy rage moment (besides the whole movie) has to be the handling of Dracula/Drake. Case in point, any time Ryan Reynolds has to deliberately explain to the audience what this new “Dracula” is (literally, he looks at you and tells you what the whole deal is while you are sitting there trying to watch a movie. It is not fair. I want to Draw Conclusions and Feel Smart, not be told what’s going on.), you’re fucked. Van Wilder’s telling me how to kill Dracula?! CUT HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF, that’s how.

Sorry. Flashbacks.

Anyway…

Like I said earlier, Blade fought a Stephen Dorff shaped vampire god in the first film, so he ain’t afraid of no Dracula(s). The final fight degenerates into Smash-Fu- stuff is smashed up, and Blade is eventually smashed up as Drake/Dracula/Dude From Prison Break turns into Lord Zedd’s older brother and beats the shit out of him. Cue Jessica Biel, cue Magic Arrow, cue Magic Arrow Catch, cue Magic Arrow Misdirection, cue Magic Arrow Stab, the end. It ain’t a Magic Missile, but it’ll do.

Oh, and there’s something about Dracula and Blade switching places because Dracula can shapeshift, and he and Blade are akin to ancient warriors and there’s honor involved even though thirty-two minutes earlier Dracula threw a baby off a building to distract Blade because Honorable Beings Throw Babies.

Hindsight is awesome!

This movie still isn’t.

“…coochie coo.”

-Blade, consoling the Tossed Baby.

The final question is- four years later, why is there still hate in my heart for this film? Well, that’s easy- it’s amazingly disappointing. Granted, it’s not a complete piece of shit, but there is more than a smidgen of poo involved when discussing this film. Maybe they’ll get it right with IV… and yes, there’s always hope.

Unless the X-Men are involved.

Then there’s a horrendously rushed third installment that… well, if I type what I feel now, my computer will explode. Since I just bought this thing last month, I’m going to refrain from that.

Next time: X-Men: The Last Stand.

What are people saying about "Brick Prior Versus Blade: Trinity"?

Read the rest or join the discussion here on the forums. If you're not a member of the forums, register first.