Not everybody knows everything. This is a cold reality of the life we lead, that in spite of our constant hunger for knowledge, we will never know everything. However, knowing something doesn’t necessarily mean you understand it. I’d like to think that I am a knowledgeable sort, but there’s a few things in life I simply don’t understand. If you’d like to read some of them, venture below the jump and see if you can help me out.

- Time limitations on what foods you can eat. This has something that has confounded me since I was a child. If you remember the old Bagel Bites slogan ("when pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime!"), then there is an implied limitation on when you can eat certain foods. Pizza, apparently, is a lunch/dinner food, and never should you eat that for the first meal of the morning, so says advertising. But, if it’s on a bagel, that makes it magically okay! Never mind that a bagel is basically reformed dough so instead of pizza crust, it’s a bagel, but now it’s a "breakfast" food, so you can scream at your mom that instead of serving you that oatmeal, you want pizza bagels.

Now, I like what most consider "breakfast" foods, but I never understood why you have to eat them at a certain time. Oh, sure, I understand the nutritional concept of eating your carbs early in the day so you can burn them off and it doesn’t turn to fat, but why should I have to be awake at 9:00am to enjoy a bowl of cereal? Furthermore, most diets state that you shouldn’t eat after 6:00pm, and I even had one nutritionist tell me that this applies no matter what your schedule. I used to wake up at 2:00pm since I worked nights, so that means I either eat all three meals recommended in four hours, or I eat once and my metabolism slows down. Lame. The hell with time constraints, if you want eggs at 3:30 in the afternoon, you’re an adult, go ahead and do it!

- Video game sequels that alter the control scheme. This is just confusing. Take, for example, Double Dragon. Three buttons to remember; punch, kick, and jump (or, if you are playing the NES version, two buttons; punch, kick, and push both together to jump). Not a big deal, easy to remember, right? So along comes Double Dragon 2. When I first played this, I thought the arcade cabinet was broken… I was pushing the kick button but I could only attack right! Stupid me, they changed the control scheme! Now the buttons were attack left, jump, and attack right! What the fuck is that? It’d be like if we took a Mario game, and suddenly made B the jump button. You wouldn’t get past the first goomba right away because that’s insane!

- Screamo music. Sensitive songs about why your girlfriend left you, except the lyrics are screamed at ear-splitting decibels so nobody knows what the fuck you’re saying. Maybe I’m just old?

- The goaltending rule in basketball. Isn’t the object of basketball to score the most points while preventing your opponents from doing the same? So why is it against the rules to stop the ball from entering the basket once it’s up in the air? The blocked shot isn’t illegal, so why goaltending? Goaltending is a blocked shot! Granted, it’s not an immediate blocked shot, but you’re still blocking it from going in. Even more insane is that, if the ball hits the rim, you can swat it away from the hoop at that point. It’s goofy shit like this that made me stop watching basketball, because, to me, this makes no logistical sense.

- Consumption of unsavory animal parts. It takes a special person to consume pig’s feet and bull’s testicles, but why the hell would you do it? I can deal with haggis, that’s a cleansed stomach. But pig’s feet have spent most of their life soaking in shit… how can you get that clean? Furthermore, eating the testicles of any animal just seems like a filthy low blow (no pun intended). Those things have been around bovine spunk for too long, plus they are goddamn testicles. Don’t try to confuse me by calling them "Rocky Mountain Oysters"…

What are people saying about "A Small List of Things J.D. Kenzan Does Not Understand"?

Read the rest or join the discussion here on the forums. If you're not a member of the forums, register first.