October 24^th, 2007. For me, it was a day that lived in infamy, and not just because it was a week before Halloween and I was looking forward to watching horror movies all day- yes, I do plan for such events AAAAND I’m proud of it; we will fight if we have to. It was a horrible day for one thing and one thing only: my computer died. Kaput, bzzzt, no more. The house also flooded (only in my room, which proves that I have all the luck in the world), but due to the fact that I am a selfish individual only interested in my personal wellbeing, that’s small potatoes- my computer was dead. Everything I worked on recently? Gone. All the ripped CDs and whatnot that Sony tells me are illegal even though they’re mine? Most of them are on my external hard drive, but uh… gone. Could I keep up with the latest adventures of Momotaros in Kamen Rider Den-O? Nope. Go to Youtube? Not even that, amigos.

I was LOST… the bad kind of LOST.

I was not on a cool island full of mysteries out the butthole hanging out with a redneck conman and his hot on-the-lam girlfriend making fun of the dude with the bug eyes that killed his damn dad, I’d lost my weapon against… uh, evil? Yeah, I’ll stick with evil- yes, that’s it- I lost my weapon for evil…

Damn it.

I mean to say “against evil” because we all know that I’m not evil. I like kittens, even though they make me sneeze.

Uh. Return articles are hard. Where was I?

Got it.

My computer capabilities had been crippled. I was stuck using a five year old laptop that would shut off randomly. It also had no wireless card, so when I could get on the internet, I was tethered to the router. The keyboard did not work. My legs went to sleep a lot due to the awkward positioning I had to take up in order to do work when I could. I did not like my situation at all.

Time passed. I started a new job that required me to wake up at OH WHAT THE FUCK O’CLOCK five days a week. My weekends were spent working on various things and trying to have a life… but I always knew that eventually, I would have a decent machine again.

Of course, we know how the story ends because I’m posting this, right? I got a new computer box, and it’s awesome. No more bad circulation for me, I tells ya… of course, there is the subject of my return to Attacked By Gorillas. What’s my motivation? What do I have to say now after a four month period of silence (save for my world-ending hatred for all things Chelada in November)? Well, it’s simple. It comes down to something that is as old as… uh, a third of the past decade so far. It comes down to hate… specifically, my hatred for Van Helsing.

Everything has an origin- our likes, our dislikes, our disappointments, our triumphs. For me, this abortion of celluloid represents everything I hate about modern moviemaking. While I’ve been disappointed at the movies before (Mission Impossible 2, I am looking at you), nothing has completely taken the wind out of my sails like this movie did.

So, I figured- let’s get to the root of all the hate. Let’s go back to a time when Hugh Jackman was poised to become The Man due to him playing a character that would be known as James Howlett retroactively, when Kate Beckinsale was riding all sorts of Underworld good will (Does that even exist? Me am not thinking it does), and when Stephen J. Sommers, Esquire the Third of Lakeshore was looking to start up his latest franchise… until everyone said “Fuck you, this is ass.”

THE MEAT OF THE MATTER AKA LEMME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU

WHAT DID BRICK WATCH THIS TIME?: Van Helsing, even though I swore I never would again.

THE DIRECTOR: Stephen Sommers fresh off The Mummy Returns… not Deep Rising.

THE STARS: Hugh Jackman, Hugh Jackman’s Feathered Wolf Hair, Kate Beckinsale, Kate Beckinsale’s Horrendous Accent, Richard Roxburgh’s Ability To Scream For Three Hours, The Pygmies From The Mummy Returns, A Swinging Fetish, A CG Programmer Gone Wild, One Hell of a Bullshit Cobbled Finale.

THE RECAP, OVERVIEW, ETC: So… Van Helsing. I will give the movie props for one thing- the black and white intro and the flying cow. After that, me looking for the good stuff in this film is hard to do. I mean, this should have been a good film- gadgets and monsters and ass-kickery should at least be able to entertain me somewhat, but with this… no Maximus, I am not entertained. I am horrified. I feel like Abdullah the Butcher shat on me. Showers will not cleanse my person. Where did it go wrong?

The Screaming. The Goddamned Screaming. Jumpin’ Jesus Christmas Shit, once the Harpies or Vampire Wives or whatever get all uppity with Dracula, he just flips out and SCREAMS. Like, no unintelligible words come out his mouth, just AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And, of course, since they are afraid, the Fangy Overbite Triplets cower in fear. Dracula’s Screaming Pimp Hand is strong or some such. It is still a dumpload of bullshit, and folks should be ashamed for letting that pass.

Speaking of Dracula, why is he such an emo fuck in this shindig? I mean, my God… the look for the character is just ass. Half Chinese delinquent jacket, half Morrissey… and yes, there were panic on the streets of London after this one. What’s up with his goddamn hair? Is he trying out to be Steven Seagal’s eighth stunt double during the opening credits? What the hell is going on?

This Dracula is piss.. which leads us to our hero, Gabriel Van Helsing, who is a satchel of vomit. Abe was like “Fuck you guys, I’m better than this, use another name!”, btw. Anyway, the titular Van Helsing is an odd dude- he’s got half a memory (I smell a twist coming up!) and the monsters he kills turn human once he snuffs them out. As fans of 24 would say, “GRAVITAS~!” He’s cursed. Haunted. He wears all black. He’s quite the post-Matrix hero with just a smidge of Vampire Hunter D thrown in.

Ass.

I know what you’re thinking- “Why doesn’t Brick just turn his brain off? Why can’t he just ENJOY it? Why can’t he GET it?”

I apologize, but hey… I like me some logic in my movie watching.

Admittedly, the attack on the small Resident Evil 4-esque town 25 minutes in is fun in hindsight… until Kate Beckinsale starts speaking. Then we start eating a whole bowl of “What The Fuck?” and asking for seconds while our stomachs are starting to tear. That accent has to be the one that Wanda Maximoff has nightmares about. "Why?", "How?, and "What?" are my main questions when watching this thing, and usually with “fuck” interspersed in between it all randomly. Everyone just gets tossed into walls and crates tokusatsu style until Van Helsing is all like, “Uh… this has gone on long enough, let’s get to the exposition again!”

Anyway, uh… Gabe’s remembering shit from his past life once he starts going after Dracula. There’s drama. Anna Beckinsale- er, Valerious is going through her own shit. She and Van Helsing bicker and fall through a convenient hole in the ground after a nip of absinthe- yes, it knocks you on your ass, but not so much that you run into goddamned Frankenstein afterwards.

Then, the story kicks in.

Blah blah bliddy shit, Anna Valerious’ brother’s a werewolf! Hey, there’s a transformation sequence that makes no sense- why the motherfucker climbed a wall backwards before the moon actually came out is astounding, but as a child of the 80s, I will accept it yet spit at it. Dracula needs the biological energy produced by a werewolf in order to run his Awesome Machine so he can make his Pygmy Mummy Vampire Babies… uh, okay. I’m following along , but slowly losing interest.

Kate Beckinsale speaks again and… yeah, I’m done. I’ve cashed in and gone home with my tail between my legs so I don’t murder someone.

To sum things up, Frankenstein screams, Dracula screams some more, there’s some sot of “backstory” about family and Frank being used and whatnot, Van Helsing gets bit by Anna’s brother (hey, he got turned into a werewolf. Larry Talbot feels dude’s pain) and roars and throws shit due to the IMPENDING YET TOTALLY NECESSARY WEREWOLF TRANSFORMATION, Dracula and Wolf Van Helsing fight… and that leads me to my most “favorite” part of the movie.

For two hours, everyone’s been swinging everywhere and getting bounced off of walls and yelling and all sorts of fun shit… but, after all the screaming and yelling and even more screaming is done, it comes down to Kate Beckinsale aka Anna Valerious aka Horse Gobbler to do that very little thing. To stop the lycanthropic Van Helsing before he might rampage. To save the day. To hop back into that DeLorean in order to return those Fuck Me Hot Pants that did not exist in that particular century. Either way, after a few days of bouncing off of walls and what have you, Our Girl Anna, The Second Hero, shuffles off her mortal coil due to a werewolf’s flying tackle.

Again:

For two goddamned hours, people have been getting the utter shit kicked out of them. Folks are swinging all over the place being all heroic and trying to swashbuckle but not really since you can’t swashbuckle in a “period piece” that takes place after swashbuckling could take place … and at the end, the main heroine, the one character with everything to lose ends up dying due to a hairy flying tackle.

What?!

Again!

I sat through a long ass movie. I wanted actual action, and I was insulted by the usual post-Matrix action beats. Hey, haha, here’s some slow motion, a “sweping” score, and some CG for that ass. Are you enjoying the guacomole? Peanuts anyone? Hey, here’s the “hero” moment where the Top Dude and the Lady kiss! Bah! There is nothing heroic or sweeping about this film besides its’ magnitude of suck.

AGAIN:

Fuck this movie. We goin’ Sizzler, to eat some buffe’.

THE END OF WHAT THE HELL WE ALL JUST WENT THROUGH

Christ Almighty in a bucket, I don’t want to be one of “them” that hates on things just to hate on them. I love movies. I love the experience of watching a film for the first time… but this thing, almost four years after it was released… well, it’s still a bowl of shit salad. No rich greenery, just brown and dirty and recycled crap. This is not a cult movie. This is something you need to shun. This is something you need to ignore and avoid until the end of days… but, there’s always a silver lining.

This could have been the end of a franchise.

Join me next time when I revisit the utter embarassment that was "Blade: Trinity."

It’s not gonna be pretty.

What are people saying about "The Return: Brick Prior vs. Van Helsing"?

SaikyoCrusher Re: The Return: Brick Prior vs. Van Helsing After a recent viewing of the movie I must agree with Brick on this review. I guess the reason the movie didn't bother me before was due to the neat gadgets and the comic relief of the friar played by David Wenham. Those things aside, it was a very bad movie.

Othgar the Flamboyant Re: The Return: Brick Prior vs. Van Helsing wow my friend you pose an amazing arguement but then i must retort....the ballroom was fairly well done until the cgi went berserk.  Also why, I must ask does Mr. Hyde look like Shrek with a hat?  Finally, why does Franky boy act like a pussy (sorry couldnt think of a more appropriate word) with down syndrome.  There is a line where i swear he screams "I LOVE LIFE!"  all this and more was worth is to me cause I am a 21 year old male and I saw kate beckingsale...yummy PS the end scene with her in the clouds is what killed the movie for me...to damn cheesy HES VAN HELSING!! he should have nailed one of the three sisters as he nails her through the heart!

Brick Prior Re: The Return: Brick Prior vs. Van Helsing Quote from: Summus Romani on January 31, 2008, 09:31:00 PM wow my friend you pose an amazing arguement but then i must retort....the ballroom was fairly well done until the cgi went berserk.  Also why, I must ask does Mr. Hyde look like Shrek with a hat?  Finally, why does Franky boy act like a pussy (sorry couldnt think of a more appropriate word) with down syndrome.  There is a line where i swear he screams "I LOVE LIFE!"  all this and more was worth is to me cause I am a 21 year old male and I saw kate beckingsale...yummy PS the end scene with her in the clouds is what killed the movie for me...to damn cheesy HES VAN HELSING!! he should have nailed one of the three sisters as he nails her through the heart! Huh, never saw this response.  For fuck's sake, I forgot to mention the damn clouds.  I hated that scene so much I blocked it out of my "mental memory".  I will say that Beckinsale makes the ballroom scene until the movie completely destroys it.  There are no redeeming qualities for the film.  It is ass.  If AMC shows it one day, I will riot.

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