Day after day, I ride the bus to work.  It’s a necessary evil.  I don’t live far from work, but too far to walk.  Cars are expensive, and pointless when I live so close to my basic necessities.  I also believe that my attempt at reducing emissions is one tiny step closer to stopping Al Gore from talking.  But no solution is consequence free.  Travel with me to the jungle on wheels.  Crickey!

The Origin of the Bus

Deep in the anals of history ("Annals"?  I stand by "anals".), there was a time when Man roamed free, with no single place to call home.  Monogamy was a joke, bathing was not yet a common practice, and the Eagles were starting their 13th farewell tour.  Man had no need to be anywhere at any particular time, because Woman was not yet making him.  It was a free and fruitful time, if you didn’t take into account the rampant disease and wild predators.

But things would soon change for Man, for he would invent money.  A marvelous invention, for he knew it would soon lead to civilization, prostitutes, and the Sony Playstation.  Large men who had sex with their sisters then after invented the social classes, taxes, and religion.  Forced to divert his attention from ferocious panthers for a moment, Man began finding places to get money, and so had to stay near it when he found it.  Cities were made, so Man could always be near where money was.

But even cities got big, and soon Man had to choose between working at the corner gas station, or walking very far to get to his money.  This made him late for dinner, and Woman angry.  Man decided to do what got him into this mess in the first place, and invent more things.  His first attempt was the segway.  It was an amazing device that replaced walking with wheels, but as a draw back, Woman would not have sex with Man if she saw him on it.  Thinking back to the corner gas station, being the strange novelty it was at the time, man thought to then make the automobile.  Combining the functional aspect of the segway with the structural influence of his penis, it would function the same, without the nasty drawbacks.

But automobiles, like sex, were expensive.  Surely, man could invent a means to spread this convenience to those who did not have as much money.  Again, Man thought of sex.  If many many men road a woman, she cost less, there for, if many many men road an automobile, it would cost less.  And so the bus was invented.

The Bus Community

Anytime many people are grouped together for any length of time, we call it a community.  This also applies to prisons, orgies, and the line at the DMV.  The bus is no different.  Communities develop customs, whether spoken, written or assumed, and it is expected that you follow them.  Have you ever seen that person who is riding a route for the first time?  The driver mumbles a street name into the mic, which comes out sounding something of a cross between an adult in a Charlie Brown movie and a toad being launched from a potato gun.  The outsider is easily recognized as they break into a panic, asking others what the driver said, and even wandering to the front to ask, crossing the forbidden yellow line in the process.  They will do this roughly 14 times before reaching their destination.

Prominent members of the bus community are the elderly.  Whether their grandkids took away their license, or they’re feeling the insecurity of social security, they still have the instinctual human need to be places they aren’t.  Elderly on the bus have needs.  They’re often Talkers (see below).  They have seats located at the front of the bus reserved for them.  Their senility fits well into the general social theme.  Below the driver, they are the bus upper-class, and your respect for them is expected.

The Talker.  Often a sub-class of the elderly, though also coming from the classes Homeless and Psychopathic Killer, he is the Venn Diagram center from hell.  A toll is to be paid when sitting next to a Talker, in the form of conversation.  He will point to random people on the sidewalk of whom he has never met, and tell you stories about them.  He will show you pictures of his family that came with the wallet.  He knows the meaning of life, but not the current president.  Once you are next to a talker, you are not allowed to move, so the rules state, until you have reached your stop.  You will always reach your stop before the Talker.  So it is written, and so shall it be.

The Homeless often ride the bus.  They haven’t enough money for food, but bus fare and, by the smell, marijuana and whiskey are affordable.  A throwback to before Man bathed or built homes, the Homeless still has the wandering needs of all humans.  They’re often able to pass off as elderly, due to having lost their mind, having difficulty walking, and appearing twice or more their actual age.  The Homeless are almost always Talkers.  Where they are headed and why is still a mystery under investigation.

Students are considered a subset of The Homeless.  Similarly, they thrive on a budget comprised mainly of bus fare, drugs, and alcohol.  The difference between the two is the Student is required to be somewhere (aka "class"), and will even attend it at times.  However, do not assume the Student is actually headed to this obligation when on a bus.

Cellphone Talkers.  Not to be confused with ordinary Talkers, a Cellphone Talker has no interest in communicating with you, even should the situation demand they do so.  Buses, by their nature, inhibit cellphones.  They are loud, move relatively quickly between locations, and are equipped with tiny wave-lasers designed to snipe out random words in any wireless conversation.  Still, the Cellphone Talker must remain in constant communication with some person, most likely a Woman he seeks sex with, or if the subject is a Woman, then a Man who is seeking sex with her.  This person is easy to recognize, as they will have loud, intimate conversations audible the full length of the bus, while saying "what" one or more times between each sentence.

Babies.  At least one will be present on every bus at any given time, and will most likely be located no more than two seats away from you.  They are loud, smelly, and generally disruptive to the delicate social fabrics of the bus.  They are carried on buses, mostly due to the "woman riding" reference made at the beginning of this article, as a form of protest to everything the bus stands for.  Women are told to carry a baby onto any form of public transportation they see that does not already have one.  The more seats they manage to consume with baby paraphernalia the better.  Displacing elderly is encouraged whenever possible.  Upon entering the bus, the baby will automatically crap itself and begin crying with no additional prompting.

Bus Rules and Tips

1. The front seats are reserved for the elderly.  By being moved, you are to be treated as if what you did is "kind", but no one will give up a seat for you.  Do not give up a seat for someone displaced by the elderly.  They knew what they were getting into.
2. As mentioned before, you may not move once a Talker has initiated conversation until you reach your stop, even if an open seat becomes available. 
3. You may not sit next to another person until all vacant seats are taken.  It is rude, however, to leave a seat next to someone for a newly vacated seat. This is a paradox created by the aforementioned civilized monogamy principle.
4. To avoid being sat next to, it is advised you carry a bag to place in the seat next to you.  Lacking that, you may sit in the isle seat, leaving the window seat open but inaccessible.  Any new rider is required to fill vacant isle seats before asking you to move your objects or self, unless they are avoiding a known Talker or baby.  Should you be asked to make arrangements for someone to sit next to you, you are required to appear gravely inconvenienced.
5. Do not pull the Request Stop cord more than once, nor should you pull it if it has already been pulled.  Anyone who violates this rule is to be immediately shunned and/or given dirty looks.
6. Disrupt Cellphone Talkers whenever possible.  This isn’t so much a bus rule, as a general rule to live by.  They just deserve it.
7. No mopping, alien ray guns, or killer robots.  So sayeth the signs.

Bus Stop Chicken

At any given time, members of a bus community are expected to be playing Bus Stop Chicken.  When approaching a stop, the first person to pull the Stop Request cord is the loser, unless no other people are getting off at that stop.  Pulling too late and missing your stop also constitutes a loss, obviously.

• Axel has seriously seen no less than three people walk face first into the side of a bus moving slowly through an intersection in the past year.  It’s kind of like watching a bird slam into a sliding glass door.  Wildly amusing, but you can’t help but feel sorry for them.  Vote no on public transit stealth technology!

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