DISCLAIMER: The following rant for and sometimes against comic books has been rated MA for Mature Audiences only.

Due to the fact that Brick Prior loses control of his use of profanity, morals, and derogatory expressions concerning new number one issues of existing properties, reader discretion is advised.

I told you not to eat that radioactive bacon, but you didn’t listen to me! Now, in times of duress, you secrete super-powered bacon fat that has the ability to slide down the street really, really fast! I’d tell you how to use your powers, but- crap! I just got shot by a robber in an alley after going to the movies! Why am I yelling at you, you ask?! Because it’s time for the Comics Rant, that’s why!

Still with me? Awesome- here we go!

I. Snippets From Characters That Have It Bad

You know the drill. Something earth-shattering and world-changing happens to our heroes, and nothing will be the same again!

Here are some testimonies from the people that lived (and died) through these events!

"Hi, how’re you? Oh, no, I’m not blind. This visor doesn’t work that way- it keeps me from vaporizing you! Yeah, I’m dealing with it as best I can. Say what? Yes, the woman I loved was a demonic clone creature thing and my son was sent to the future… I’m holding up okay. There’s a virus killing off my brethren-in-genetic-mutations left and right?! Huh… guess we’d better search for a cure- oh no! The kind-hearted member of our team just sacrificed himself for the greater good… but now no one’s getting sick from that dastardly virus anymore! Hooray… with all the sadness that goes along with it. Let’s get things back to normal and keep fighting a world that hates us and fears us AT THE SAME TIME.

What do you mean our ranks were just decimated by a simple THOUGHT?! I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEA- oh. Some other crazy broad did this? Right.

My brother’s in space and my dad’s dead? No one told me about this! Aww crap… wait, I have another brother?! It’s not that guy with the playing card fetish is it? Oh, I hate that guy- huh? One of us is gonna die? I’d be sad, but let’s face it, it’s not the first time this has happened"

Next:

"Hey, how’s it going? I’m your Friendly Neighborhood- yes. Yes, I’m generally a happy-go-lucky guy. Has anything bad ever happened to me? Well, I got cloned… and then I thought I was a clone, but it turned out I wasn’t. Say, do you know how creepy it is to watch yourself degenerate after the other you was impaled on a glider? It’s not pretty. I still scream at night.

But what? Yeah, I’m generally happy… but there was this one time that this mystical dude killed me and I got these crazy powers that I don’t really use anymore. Oh, and I gave up my secret identity on national frickin’ TV! Man, that was dumb… but it was a good decision until a bunch of villains beat the freakin’ crap out of me and my aunt got shot. But, I still have my wife and- what do you mean I have to give up my marriage if I want my aunt to survive? Have you seen my wi- crap, I really have to choose?!

I want to be a mutant. At least there’d be a lot of different options on how my life would suck."

And finally:

"Hi. I’m currently dead. Again. The first time I died it was because the whole universe was out to get me, so I offed myself by telekinetically blasting myself with a big honkin’ laser on the blue side of the moon, which isn’t as dark as the other side of the moon that Pink Floyd made the album about. But, here’s the funny part (since I know you’re laughing on the inside because I CAN READ YOUR MIND, YOU BIG DUMMY), it wasn’t me. Nope, I was in a cocoon under the sea (like the Little Mermaid, but with a cocoon and without all the talking marine life, unfortunately… no, fish don’t have thoughts, and besides, do you think I have time to talk to fish? Only lame people do that!) for a few years before coming back… then I died because I got hit with an intergalactic stroke. Yes, it hurt. But hey, I came back… then some dumbass interstellar empire wiped me out thanks to another big honkin’ gun. This room is bright, by the way. But I’ll be back… only to die again. Being dead is stupid.

See you in a bit.

Oh, and tell that blonde that runs around in diapers that she’s a bitch, mmmkay? And clean off my tombstone. The pigeon poo is eating away at the marble.

Thanks!"

I know I said I was going to address the "Spider-Marriage" shenanigans this week, but after thinking about it, I’d much rather wait and see how this one will play out. I mean, the obvious thing we’re all expecting is that Spider-Man sacrifices his marriage for some reason or another, but I don’t want to expect that. I’d like to think that as a reader, I’m competent enough to deserve a less obvious explanation for this particular domestic genie that’s going back into the bottle… then again, I’d also like to be considered to be competent enough to be able to read a Spider-Man comic where Spidey’s happily married, but we can’t always get what we want, right?

Right.

Let’s wait and see how all this breaks down, shall we?

And now, some movie news about a manga turned successful cartoon turned successful American kids’ show phenomenon!

II. The Live Action Dragonball Movie Will Be Bad… As in ‘Not Good’

Crap. The director of this one made me slightly interested (James Wong, director of Final Destination, but then I saw the casting sides and just went all sorts of ‘ugh’ inside. Granted the idea of a live action American made Dragonball movie makes me giggle with how mind-numblingly horrendous it could be… but check out this casting breakdown (from Chud.com):

[GOKU] 18 years old, Goku is considered uncool and unpopular at school, but he is in fact an extremely talented martial arts fighter who gets rigorous training from his grandfather, Gohan. After the death of his grandfather by the evil Lord Piccolo, Goku finds his destiny in his grandfather’s dying request that he find Master Roshi and gather all seven Dragon Balls (of which he has one) in order to prevent Piccolo from succeeding in his desire to use the dragonballs to take over the world. Trained by Master Roshi, aided by Bulma and Yamcha, friends he meets along the way, Goku proves himself a formidable, almost undefeatable fighter. On many dangerous adventures to find the remaining Dragon Balls and thus save the world, Goku conquers physical and emotional challenges, ultimately saving the world but clearly impelled to spend his life searching for the Dragon Balls with his trusty companions…

Mmmrph. That was the sound of me trying not to laugh, but I ended up choking on my own tongue instead. I’m now typing this from Hell because I admitted to the masses that I bought Bloodrayne on DVD in the forums. First off, I guess they couldn’t pull off Goku being five years old in the movie, so he has to be in school, uncool and unpopular. Okay, I can buy that… at least they aren’t emphasizing the fact that he’s amazingly stupid, eats way too damned much, and that he has a tail and can transform into a giant frickin’ monkey when the moon is full. Missing details aside, this kinda hashes out to be more of an actual adaptation of Dragonball storyline wise- you know, before Goku was an alien and had power levels over 9000 (and I’ve just received a eternal stay in Hell thanks to mentioning that damned joke… I was planning to break out too!) and was blowing up planets and fought aliens and androids and a big pink monster that turned people into candy before he ate them. Hopefully they’re saving that crazy stuff for the sequels (or maybe not, after checking out Lord Piccolo’s casting breakdown… DUN DUN DUNNN)… but seriously, this looks like it’s shaping up to be one of those odd little "dude goes on PG-13 styled quest with a reluctant sidekick and a chick who’s hot if you look at her juuuuuust right" movies tossed out by some Disney subsidiary. I’m calling it now: the commercials are gonna be on the level of being borderline retarded… kinda like that Seeker movie coming out soon. Oh, I hope it has some wisecracking CGI critter that’s hellbent on getting laughs from the childrens! At the very least, this’ll probably play out like a cross between the Super Mario Bros. movie and Warriors of Virtue… but with NINJAS. And yelling. And a training montage or two.

A WIN FOR THE CHILDREN IT WILL BE.

Parents, get ready. It’s gonna be hell.

III. Marvel Zombies II: This Time, They’re Still Hungry

Newsrama has an interview up with Robert Kirkman talking about the Marvel Zombies sequel that will hit shelves this fall. I liked the first miniseries, so getting the original creative team back for the sequel is a plus. Toss in a Zombie Phoenix and I’m sold. The Marvel Zombies universe is the kind of story I like to follow: it’s self contained (for the most part) and isn’t too bogged down in its own character-related muck and mire. There’s not a whole lot of reboots and shifting around to do because the main characters are either alive, dead, or dead and trying to eat the living. That’s the kind of storytelling I can support, damn it- simple and clean until it gets bloody. Of course, this new miniseries has underpinnings of a zombie Civil War, which could be damned awesome. Which zombies will turn on their fellow zombies? What death scenes are gonna be awesome? Who will survive?

We’ll find out soon enough… but I’m guessing the tale of the Marvel Zombies won’t be done for some time.

I mean, they haven’t even done time travel yet.

"Where they’re going, they won’t need roads… they’ll need brains!"

I’ll take payment for that tagline up front, please.

IV. To Be Continued

And that brings us to the end of this week’s rant. Hit the forums, hit up my email, educate yourselves on the comics world at large, but most importantly, have some fun.

Until next time…

What are people saying about "The Comics Rant"?

Brick Prior Re: The Comics Rant #2 - http://attackedbygorillas.com/2007/10/03/the-comics-rant-issue-two/

Brick Prior Re: The Comics Rant #3 is coming.  Lots of different stuff to talk about this week.  Figured I'd let it some stuff pile up, since it all kinda ties together. "What ties together?" You'll see!

DrDetroit Re: The Comics Rant And speaking of threads that need to be bumped!  #3 is going to be EPIC.

Brick Prior Re: The Comics Rant I sure do have a lot to say about the current state of DC Comics... ...hrm.

SignNinja Re: The Comics Rant As much as I loved comics back in the day, now I really can't get into them to the point that I must buy them all over the place. However one superhero that I have pretty much ignored for all my life has piqued my interest, the Mighty Thor. Now don't get me wrong, Thor is a great comic and all, but it wasn't really my cup of tea. That is until he died and came back, and I decided to pick up his graphic novel of how he came back. That really got me interested in the God of Thunder and well it's just pretty cool. But I can't find the second volume of it so I don't know what happens exactly, but I wiki'd it and saw how his coming back kind of influences the whole Skrull War, but I digress. Thor has me interested, so I shall keep my eye on him.

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