Woo woo woo, I’ve got some apples. Woo woo woo, you’ve got some too. Hello there. It’s Monday, and I feel like someone drugged my pillow- either that, or someone jammed a small child up my nose while I was sleeping. Someone also took my kidneys and lungs out and made me sleep on them; they feel smooshed.

Anyway, fictional ailments aside, it’s Monday. Since it’s the first, October’s just begun, which means that I’m that much closer to getting trampled in a haunted forest for the second year in a row. It’s not my fault that I like to laugh at the people running at folks with chainsaws, and it’s not my fault that you like to scream and try and push me forward when all I want to do is enjoy the screams surrounding environment!

…it feels like home.

So, yes- I’m excited about October, but you know what else I’m excited for?

Monday Mash-Up!

Halo 3 Made Enough Money to Buy Your Family’s Lives:

The "do you really think it’s final?" adventure of Master Chief took in $170 million in 24 hours, and it beat the fushnickens out of Spider-Man 3′s opening weekend in the process. Sweet cream on an ice cream sandwich, that’s a lot of video games sold. How much Mountain Dew Game Fuel did you buy to sustain yourselves, America? Enjoying yourself in the Forge? Who skipped work to play? Is the frickin’ game any good, and does the ending really suck that bad? Did you spit in my can of Bawls when I wasn’t looking, you punk bastard? Anyway, what’s up with the damn game, folks- It’s been out for about a week and I haven’t heard jack about it on our forums. It’s either really, really good or people really, really aren’t playing it that much. What, you think I’m gonna trust people from other websites? No, spinach chin- that means I’d have to have free will to make opinions for myself and stuff. Why come you no have tattoo? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to de-age myself 15 years and use my best racial and social epithets over a headset- it’s time to play on Xbox Live! omg you n00b, u r made of FAIL FTW 100011!

Super Mario Bros: The Really Hard Sequel:

Well, Nintendo sure did pull a fast one. Today marks the release of the original Super Mario Bros. 2 for the Wii Virtual Console; this had previously been released as Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels for various systems, but now you can own it in its original 8-bit glory for 600 Wii Points, or $6 dollars. The extra 100 points is for localization costs, I reckon. Anyway, I had to break my previous vow of not spending any Wii points on anything except for Zombies Ate My Neighbors or Earthbound, so knowing my luck, one or both of those games will be out by the end of the month. Either that or more import games I want. Drat, drat, and double drat.

Coming Soon: Man in Duct Tape Mask Robs College Student For Wii. And Beer Money.

In a development that makes me go, "Man, I’m sure glad I didn’t have to go hunting for a Nintendo Wii!", Nintendo president Reggie Fils-Aime has said that things are going to be sparse yet again this holiday season. Boolsheet Mr. Han-Man, this is right out of a comic book. Let me guess, the Mole Man’s gonna wreck the Christmas tree at Rockafeller Plaza this year, right? As someone who can make fun of the teeming legions for getting into an uproar over a video game system shortage, this is inexcusable! I can expect a shortage during the first holiday season of a systems’ lifespan, but the second? That’s when you’re supposed to crush your enemies and hear the lamentations of their women… not come up short when it counts.

Huh. Awkward entendre that I did not intend.

Ah well- back to action!

This could be bad. Nintendo’s got two big A-list titles coming out this holiday, namely Super Mario Galaxy and Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Sure, the big games will be out, but the system is still not meeting the demand. I’m sure they expected success, but… yikes. Hopefully they don’t cut corners and future Wii owners start getting glowing Terrible Red Trays of Tyranny when they wake up in the morning.

Red Rings of Doom… Terrible Trays of- ah, bollocks. I don’t need to explain myself to you! You understand, right?

Right.

You Too Can Start a Rock Band for $170… With Tax!

Harmonix’s Rock Band bundle has been priced at $170 dollars, with the PS2 version to be slightly cheaper. There isn’t much else to it, except for me to say that for a small fee, I will be your band’s drunken frontman. This would involve me walking into random door frames and saying such wonderful things like, "Where’s me bass guitar?" even though everyone knows I really don’t play bass. Let’s face facts here, the only way I’m singing anything is if I can’t remember doing it the next day. Anyway, everyone’s now gonna get their chance to start their own band. Mine will be named either "Electric Apple Seeds" or "Smatter Batter". Why? Because I like you.

What’s next, you ask?

DVDs!

1408 – Samuel L. Jackson, John Cusack, and one screwed up hotel room make for an interesting little movie.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula – It’s got the guy from The Matrix in it. Oh, and there was a woman who was in this that was in The Matrix sequels that we all like to forget. Needless to say, it’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula brought to you by the man who directed Apocalypse Now… and it’s a new DVD! Hooray!

Caligula – A 3 disc release. I’m laughing. A lot.

Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane – Zombies on a GOT DAMN plane, folks. Nuff said.

Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex- The Laughing Man - Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex is arguably the greatest animated cop procedural I will ever try to sell you on should we meet, and the first season has been condensed down to "movie size" just in case you don’t want to spend around ten hours watching the first 26 episodes. Try it. You might like it.

Misery – You should pick this up because you still can’t believe that James Caan’s ankles didn’t actually get broken, and you’re gonna analyze the crap out of the scene until you’re at ease.

The War – A Ken Burns Film – It’s a Ken Burns documentary about WWII. There’s footage that people haven’t seen since the original wartime broadcast, and a very moving account of the conflict itself from the people that lived it. Highly recommended, but you don’t need me to tell you that.

And that’s it for this week. Remember, there are no fingerprints deep underwater; nothing can tie you to a crime. And if you seek vengeance, all you need are instruments of pain… but I won’t be your alibi. This is a site of fun, damn it.

Until next time.

What are people saying about "Monday Mash-Up"?

Brick Prior Re: Monday Mash-Up Censored line from #3: "She dyed her what?" Guess where I cut it from!

Axel Night Re: Monday Mash-Up Ah, sweet sweet Monday Mash-Up.  Quickly becoming my primary source of weekly news.  Is that so wrong?

Brick Prior Re: Monday Mash-Up #4 is up.

Brick Prior Re: Monday Mash-Up The Mash-Up is gonna be late this week- dealing with family until Wednesday or so.  Except some weird funky hybrid column when I'm back.

Brick Prior Re: Monday Mash-Up My apologies for the formatting.  The editor was being evil.  I'll be messing with it all day.

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