DISCLAIMER: The following rant for and sometimes against comic books has been rated MA for Mature Audiences only.

Due to the fact that Brick Prior loses control of his use of profanity, morals, and derogatory expressions concerning new number one issues of existing properties, reader discretion is advised. While he might not do so in this particular column, it could happen at any time.

Choose your theme music of choice, but make sure you get my good side in all of the close-ups, because it’s time for The Comics Rant!

Previously On… (An Introduction of Sorts)

Before the Crisis of the Dwindling Wallet, it was known as New Comic Wednesday. In the old days, hordes of readers flocked to their Local Comic Book Stores to pick up the latest adventures of their favorite characters, but for one man, it all came to a crashing halt.

That man was me.

Cue the dramatic music, and I want some violins, damn it. Pump up that bass too, ‘cuz I feel an action scene coming on.

Anyway… just because I don’t do the weekly comic book thing anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them. They are, in my opinion, a piece of American mythology- tales of good and evil, triumph and loss, and hardship and heartache wrapped into a neat twenty-two page bow with ads. I might be on the side of Trades right now, but that doesn’t mean that when someone does a good job on a book I can’t get a little choked up and go, "Damn it, that got me right here. I need a hug. Or to fight someone. Get me my utility belt."

Every now and then, however, something sparks my interest and makes me wish I cared enough to pick up a few weekly books: a writer going on about his latest storyline that everyone "hates" and how awesome it is, the latest "everything will change" event from Marvel or DC, or someone’s beloved character taking an unexpected yet temporary dirt nap… unless it’s intended to be permanent. Steve Rogers, I hope you’re having fun with Buc- no, wait he never died thanks to the power of retconning. Gwen Stacy? Yep, she’s still dead (but her Goblin children aren’t!). Have fun with that, but not in that way, dude. You’re sick for thinking it.

Anyway, here’s a few tidbits that caught my eye- and yes, there are spoilers below and in the links, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Black Canary and Green Arrow Got Married, Then Green Arrow Got Dead Again

Goddamn, it didn’t even take ten years, but apparently Oliver Queen got shuffled off his second mortal coil on his wedding night. Before he was about to throw down in a Biblical fashion (begat, begat, consume a bowl of Wheaties for energy, begat again and all that) with his bride, he went all nutso on that booty in a bad way (not like that, but in a violent "Taste this backhand! Stand up so I can kill you against my will!" way) and ended up taking a shaft through the neck, and that’s not a play on words. Between this and the whole Spider-Marriage zaniness over at Marvel (which I will attempt to tackle next week), I’m starting to believe that the Four Color Powers That Be want us to think that marriage is bad and higher sales are pretty. Screw logical storytelling, people wanna see strife and angst and their favorite characters getting put through the ringer because characters being happy don’t mean a (wait for it, wait for it) GOT DAMN thing. When’s the last time the X-Men played baseball anyway? What’d you say?! The fate of the mutant world depends on the survival of the first mutant baby to be born after the Scarlet Witch effectively depowered eight hundred and fifty two percent of the mutant population, and now it’s up to the X-Men to figure out what’s going on and OH MY GOD someone’s gonna die and things are never gonna be the same? How many books do I have to buy?! I hope someone’s gonna serve comfort cake after that adventure!

But, back to Ollie and Dinah- apparently the original plan was for Black Canary to get the shaft, which would have made the upcoming Black Canary/Green Arrow book an odd read if she was the one taking a dirt nap. But, instead, it’s Connor Hawke (Ollie’s son) and Black Canary starring in the series and the big question at the start of the series is, to quote Tweety Bird, "Wha happened?". Personally, I think someone decided to play a wonderful game of "Hide the Living Body"… but that’s just me.

Now, the one thing I will not allow myself to do is to condemn the actual storyline as it will play out; let’s face it, no one knows exactly how this is gonna go down unless you:

A) Hijack Doc Brown’s DeLorean and take a trip to the future to pick up the issue of Black Canary/Green Arrow or some "random" miniseries that Explains It All.

B) Have a direct link to Judd Winnick’s brain so you can tell us all how he plans to end this.

or C) You, in fact, are Judd Winnick and are sitting back laughing at all the wackiness caused by your storyline.

Personally, I’m just gonna laugh at Black Canary’s dress. Fishnets at a wedding? Straight up Whitesnake, yo. It’s like having a few drinks at the Piggly Wiggly on a Thursday waiting for some shit to go down: you see things that you don’t understand yet wholeheartedly accept. Kudos all around for that one.

The Death of Logan: Wait, He Can Die?

Newsarama.com has an interesting interview with returning writer Marc Guggenheim (last seen on Blade and The Flash) as he talks about his latest arc which goes to great lengths to explain how James Logan Howlett Weapon X, Esquire came back from getting incinerated to nothing but his skeleton by Nitro (after the Canucklehead took the loss in a plane crash, no less) during that Civil War dustup that got Captain America killed in the end. The responses from Newsarama posters are interesting to me, however, as people go to great lengths to say that they either hate the story, hate Howard Chaykin’s art, aren’t buying it, or taking shots at Jeph Loeb for some odd reason. Yeah, Superman/Batman got crazy for me too, but damn… some of you are nuts in the head. You can read the interview (and the comments! Oh man, the comments!) for yourselves, because I’d rather you guys trust the writer behind the madness rather than crazy ol’ me, but if you’re too lazy to click the link…

The gist is this: way back in Uncanny X-Men Annual 11, Wolverine ended up regenerating from a single drop of blood. Yeah, there was some magic involved, but the underlying idea and story beat gleaned from said annual by writers and fans for the past twenty years remains- Wolverine regenerated from a single drop of blood. Over the years his healing factor has been in flux and out of wack, i.e. ramped up to godly proportions only to have him struggling to deal with a gut wound issues later, and now Guggenheim has brought that back to the forefront. What does Wolverine do when he dies? Does he talk to his claws? Does he see any of his dead friends? Does he wish that when he comes back this particular time he’ll be a little bit taller? Does he wish he was a baller? Does he wish that if he had a girl, she would look good (and not be dead) so he could call her? Does he wish that he had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a ’64 Imp-

…sorry. Forgot to take my pills.

Ahem.

My particular questions about the character’s take on the afterlife might not be involved, but Guggenheim’s laying out his take on things, which brings me back to something I said up top.

Comic books are a piece of American mythology.

In the old days, the storytellers told tales involving the same characters. Sometimes they got all the details right, sometimes they didn’t, but certain characteristics and plot points remained the same. The stories survived throughout the ages and continued long after they were gone.

My point?

Like it or not, regeneration issues or not, Wolverine and all the stories folks love involving him still exist… and if they’re lucky, maybe they’ll get to add a few new ones to your "OMG i lurve dis" pile before the zombies rise up and kill us all.

The End

This is the end of this particular Comics Rant. Sometimes I’ll be current, and other times I’ll erupt in a wordy mass of bile and destruction thanks to something that makes me angry, but nevertheless, count on it weekly.

I love these silly books too much to stop writing about them.

Hit up the forums or email me with your comments, questions, or queries, but most importantly?

Take care of yourself!

Until next week, don’t make mine Marvel or DC, ‘cuz I don’t play favorites.

What are people saying about "The Comics Rant"?

Brick Prior Re: The Comics Rant #2 - http://attackedbygorillas.com/2007/10/03/the-comics-rant-issue-two/

Brick Prior Re: The Comics Rant #3 is coming.  Lots of different stuff to talk about this week.  Figured I'd let it some stuff pile up, since it all kinda ties together. "What ties together?" You'll see!

DrDetroit Re: The Comics Rant And speaking of threads that need to be bumped!  #3 is going to be EPIC.

Brick Prior Re: The Comics Rant I sure do have a lot to say about the current state of DC Comics... ...hrm.

SignNinja Re: The Comics Rant As much as I loved comics back in the day, now I really can't get into them to the point that I must buy them all over the place. However one superhero that I have pretty much ignored for all my life has piqued my interest, the Mighty Thor. Now don't get me wrong, Thor is a great comic and all, but it wasn't really my cup of tea. That is until he died and came back, and I decided to pick up his graphic novel of how he came back. That really got me interested in the God of Thunder and well it's just pretty cool. But I can't find the second volume of it so I don't know what happens exactly, but I wiki'd it and saw how his coming back kind of influences the whole Skrull War, but I digress. Thor has me interested, so I shall keep my eye on him.

Read the rest or join the discussion here on the forums. If you're not a member of the forums, register first.