…she gives jump-kicking dogs off of walls a bad name! She stabbed my heart while I was playing some game, she gives love a bad na-

Er.

Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening. It’s September 24th, and I currently can’t come to the internet right now. If you leave your name, number, and $50 to $100 dollars, I’ll get back to you as soon as I double our money and keep all of it for myself.

This is the Monday Mash-Up… NUMBAH THREE!

What’s the haps, chaps? Where’s the brew, Disco Stu? What it be, Mr. G.? As you can see, I’m dragging out this installment of the MashUp because we all know there’s only one bit of news that everyone cares about in the world today.

Resident Evil Extinction was number one at the box office! Holy crap! The zombies (and zombie birds, and super zombies… oh, and let’s not forget Milla Jovovich) did it! They shocked the world, I tells ya! REE(cola) took in about $23 million this week, so for the approximate 2.3 million of you that saw the movie: how was it? Were you impressed? Did you enjoy the obvious set up for another sequel even though this particular movie was supposed to be the "last one"? This particular DVD supporter wants to know!

Okay, okay, I kid- that’s obviously not the big thing that everyone cares about this week. Some people are gonna stay up all night to talk about this later, so I might as well get it out of the way now so everyone can run off to their favorite forum (the middle button at the top of the page, I hope!) and talk about it.

"Heroes" returns tonight, ladies and gentlemen! If you weren’t Saving the Cheerleader so you could Save the World, then you just might have been on The List… so, what happens now? Who will live? Who will die? Who will find themselves in the middle of a plot development that looks suspiciously like a storyline from a popular comic book yet deny everything? Will that odd, smart little child still have a Jheri Curl better than Ice Cube did back in the day? Who knows and can tell me all of this, because I do not have this particular bit of knowledge yet I need to know such things! The fate of the world depends on it!

You decide, True Believers.

Okay, I can’t put it off any longer. Here are my DVD picks for this week:

Black Book: World War II suspense, mystery, and conflict brought to you by the director of Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers?! I’m buying six copies!

Bug: Ashley Judd in a movie without Morgan Freeman? And it’s all sorts of weird and dealing with bugs that might or might not be living under your skin? Future classic.

Demons: A splatter horror classic from the eighties rereleased on DVD and remastered specificially for those of us who like to see gore in anamorphic widescreen. If you poke around our boards, you can find a Youtube clip of the standout character from this movie, namely Tony the Pimp. I would say avoid Demons 2, but the Unstoppable Bobby Rhodes returns as the manliest gym instructor to wear a purple tanktop in the history of movies involving possessed people in an apartment complex… so, when it comes down to that, it’s pretty hard to pass up.

Eaten Alive: Get your mind out of the gutter, Chop Top. This was Tobe Hooper’s follow-up to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"… no, not the remake. No. No, not the sequel to the remake. The original… yeah, this is older than you. It’s also got a killer alligator and Robert Englund before he wore a fedora and a ratty Christmas sweater. It’s a two disc release, so watch out boys, this’ll chew your wallet up if your not careful.

Knocked Up: Three different versions (HD, Blu-Ray, Unrated) are released this week, so take your pick. My thoughts? Impregnating Katherine Heigl was never so much fun!

The Stendhal Syndrome: I have seen this movie once. As Nathan Explosion would say, it was BRUTAL. Wait, you mean to tell me that what I saw on cable years ago was cut? And this is uncut and uncensored?! What kind of madness is this? Everything from my younger days is coming back either remade or uncut and uncensored! I… I’m gonna buy this.

Suspiria: It’s a new two disc edition, and to quote a former co-worker of mine, "it’s got a lot of killin’." Perhaps I’ve said too much.

And that’s it.

Now go play Halo 3.

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