Posted on August 19th, 2007 in Axel Night, Food by Axel Night

The incredible, edible egg.  Friend or foe?  A guide and adventure for fellow egg poachers.

Hello, culinary miscreants.  It’s August 19th, 2007.  Hunger has met his match in me, as I smite his evil ways with the powers of deliciousness.

Eggs are the simple building blocks of life.  We, as humans, know that life is damn delicious, so it was only a matter of time before we made the connection and began eating the eggs of another animal.  (We would eat our own, but they are small and difficult to retrieve undamaged.)  Fried, scrambled, hard boiled, soft boiled, over easy, over hard, over novice, and over 1337, we’ve found a wide assortment of ways to prepare them since discovering that life tastes better over fire.

History Lesson!

On one faithful day, an individual accidentally cracked an egg into a pot of boiling water and took a couple minutes to get it back out.  By graces of an unknown god, the egg did not break or grow overly soggy.  It was the tastiest thing the man had ever had, and so he named it a "poached egg", after the very act of "poaching" delicious animals.  No man, woman, or machine has since ever reproduced the dish that man made.  After much research and scientific experimentation, we now know that this mystery chef was, indeed, Jesus Christ.

Thanks to modern science, you need not be able to walk on water to poach your own ovarian excretions.  I have for you a process passed on to me from a friend, who got it from a friend, who saw it in a divine premonition.  Or, he got it off the Internet, which ever.

What you’ll need.

The process.

First, fill the pot up half way or so with water and begin it on its way to boiling.  That always takes a little while, so we might as well start it first.  Next, take your cup/mug/bowl/classy wine glass, and lay a sheet of plastic wrap over it, with some hanging off the edges.  Push it down into the glass enough to hold one egg.  I use the egg itself to help push it down in.

Crack the egg, and empty the contents into the dimple.

Lift up the edges such that your egg is captured into an eggy baggy.  Squeeze together the top and tie it off.  A strip of plastic wrap works fine, or you may get away with being lazy and twisting it shut.  But, don’t come whining to me if it comes untwisted in the bath.

Toss the bag into the boiling water.

Two minutes later, carefully remove.  I had no tongs, so I fished it out by hand.  I’m immortal, so don’t try that at home.

Let it cool briefly, then carefully peel back the plastic… and…

WTF?!  The whites are stuck to the side, and the yoke is everywhere.  This isn’t how I remember it going any other time I’ve done this.  Could it be the curse of the camera?  I’m certainly not going to just accept this.  The second go!  This time, I’ll try reducing the water to a simmer and cook it for 4 minutes.

Le sigh.  Progress is made.  The yoke is perfect!  I’ve never quite achieved this masterful of a texture.  But, the whites are still pasted to the plastic wrap.  Could it be the cheap plastic?  This will not stand!  It’s off to the store I go.  I’m almost out of eggs, so I pick up a new nice, free-ranged, brown, extra large dozen.  None of the plastic wraps on the shelf say "oven safe", so I have to go with some "premium" brand.  It’ll have to do.

I return, determined and ready to make the best damn poached egg that ever existed, the kind that would make Jesus proud.  Cue egg making montage.  For this montage, it’ll be Don’t You Forget About Me, by Simple Minds.  The song from The Breakfast Club for you 80s uncultured.

We peel back the plastic, and…

It may not be super pretty, but if you know poached eggs, this is perfect.  Add one English muffin, and you’ve got a breakfast suitable for a god.

Enjoy.  I know I did.


What are people saying about "Poached Eggs or Ambrosia, Food of the Gods"?

Brick Prior
Re: Poached Eggs or Ambrosia, Food of the Gods

Best Montage Ever.
Re: Poached Eggs or Ambrosia, Food of the Gods

Ok, I generally like eggs, I grew up with them, and my mom made them pretty much any way I asked. I've never had them poached, specifically (I always just thought it was just a fancy way of saying "Sunny Side Up") and this was pretty informative.

But have you ever had that moment where you're stuffed from eating dinner and any sight of food kind of makes you queasy, like your body is going, "No Mas! No Mas!"? Well, tonight I had an overly generous helping of Darn Good Chili, Cheese-Its (much better than their rival brand, 'Cheese-Asian-Americans") and Cheerwine and yeah, this article is causing that reaction. No knock on your writing or photography skills, Mr. Night (Or should I just call you Axel? *cue Harold Faltermeyer soundtrack*) but yeah...
Sasha Kenzan
Re: Poached Eggs or Ambrosia, Food of the Gods

Classic, absolutely classic.  I think I may've urinated on myself with giggling glee.

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